I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
