wanna go halves on a baby?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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