she takes plan B like it's going out of style
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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