So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
