glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
