Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
