so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
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