It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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