If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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