apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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