so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
