sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
