You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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