Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
