Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
