I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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