So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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