I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
pop tarts are not kleenex
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
