seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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