we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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