she woke up with a sticky ear
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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