I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
