Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
