She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
