Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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