i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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