Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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