your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
