So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
