can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
