I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Randomize
