mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
