There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
