so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
