i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
