Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
