Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Randomize
