i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
