Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
