I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
