when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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