I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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