I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
