I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
