sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
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