How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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