I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
