you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
