i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
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