where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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