So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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