She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
