Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize