I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
