Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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