Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
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