got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
How does one acquire holy water?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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