my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
