So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
