please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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