Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
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You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
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His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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