i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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