Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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