if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
