Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
